something has changed. the storm of emotions last week has left placid calm. today i said it matter of factly- i have to pray, i’ll be back. walking towards the prayer hall, i felt emancipation. emancipated from my own prison of doubts, the whisperings of shaitaan– breeding shame at the act of prayer. i beg Allah to let me see things as they are. I shouldnt fear the creation– the children of Adam are microscopic particles of clay. utterly helpless, utterly dependent. they will answer one day for their deeds and i will for mine.
walked into the prayer room, i heard beautiful, soothing recitation of qur’an.
i beg Allah to let me see things as they are.

alhamdulillah, with istighfar on my tongue and quiet contemplation after salah, i feel the light slowly reigniting. may Allah make it strong and steady. i read this today:
“The keys to the life of the heart lie in reflecting upon the qur’an, being humble before Allah in secret, and leaving sins.”
-Haadi al-Arwaah ilaa Bilaad il-Afraah (p.45) by Ibn al-Qayyim

inshaAllah i will not get ahead of myself this time. my remediation goals are to be slow and moderate. this week, inshaAllah: do sunnah & humble self frequently before Allah in dua.

why hope?

the peak may have been senior year of college- so much free time to explore. this was the year i discovered zaytuna institute, anwar awlaki, tahajjud prayers. the year i loved making dua so much i sat in place for hours after each salat. i sat, i cried, i asked. i felt my heart warm with remembrance. i focused on purifyng and softening my heart. it started by setting alarms to wake up for night prayers. i planned it carefully– i made an official invitation during the day-  embellished with praise and all the reasons why i needed this meeting. After a while, I awoke even when I didnt plan to, always in the last 1/3 of the night. the house quiet, someone in another room may have been awake too. my shadow rose and fell. i cried in sujood, i asked for light all around me, light in my heart, light in my sight. dreams were clearer, purer, full of light. i felt protected during the day because of the night before. i read qur’an and reflected on the meaning– i read the history behind it. i wrote notes on the side. i memorized surahs- long surahs, listened to recitations again and again until i had it memorized with appropriate qiraat. i took a trip through jannah. i kept good company– received beautiful naseeha, prayed next to those with khushoo.
I miss this, I loved this, I still want this.

beginner’s blues

It’s not that I hate medical school, it’s just that I feel I’ve become a worse Muslim during my stay here. I feel like I’m living a life separate from my peers. I don’t really belong here. I dont know how I’m going to have a family. I dont know when I’ll finally start praying like I used to before all this started. ramadan came and went in a blur. last year was better. this year, I didnt even bother making goals. I fasted. I prayed daily in the masjid. I didn’t bother with the last 10 nights. I feel like I’m slowly dying inside. The nightly taraweeh kept me going, but it could have been better. I think constantly that I may be of those who, on the day of judgement, say “send us back, we’ll do better this time.”   There is still hope in my heart though. This is my remediation.